Monthly Archives: October 2012

Reply From Another Reader

Apparently “At the Bar” was a popular topic.  Another person sent in some advice for going out alone:

Something that didn’t get mentioned is the importance of social momentum when going out alone.

I spent many nights going out alone not really doing anything, just sitting there are the bar drinking my beer. I may have been too in my head to do anything, or maybe too pussy to go talk to a hot chick for the reasons mentioned above, but I would still view the night as a success. Why? Because I went out alone. That’s hard to do. Look how many people won’t even do it.

Social momentum is huge. You know how I always talk about vibes? If you’re out with friends but you’re not in the best mood, your friends can still kind of pull you through. You can get good energy from them. But if you’re out alone, it’s all on you. If you’re in a bad headspace, you’re not going to give off the right vibes. So with the social momentum, you can start really small. Talk to the bartender. Cheers the guy next to you. Talk to a dude. Dudes can be easier to open than women. You’re not trying to bang them, you’re just being social. The more people you talk to, the more social momentum you get, and the easier each interaction for that night becomes. I personally can’t usually jump into full social mode, so I have to start small and then each interaction becomes bigger and easier.

I also found that, as I got more comfortable going out alone, going out with friends got much easier. So like, on an anxiety scale of 1-10 where 1 is totally calm and 10 is freaking out, when I first started, going out alone was like a 6 or 7 (at a small bar that I was familiar with), and going out with my friends was a 4 or 5. As I became more comfortable going out alone, it became a 3 or 4, and going out with friends was like a 2. If you can go out alone, there aren’t many other situations that are going to be harder than that.

When I was going out alone, I would always go to the same bar. Why? It was small, I could usually get a seat at the bar, they had a huge beer selection, and it wasn’t usually crowded. I could literally go and have a good time by myself even if I didn’t talk to anyone.

Depending on how the night went, I would either finish up the night there, or begin my night there and head somewhere else.

Sometimes I’d meet friends there, or invite my friends there, and then I felt even more comfortable cuz it was “my place,” you know?

This was kind of an underground place. Not crowded, definitely not a sports bar, the music wasn’t super loud, it wasn’t packed full of bros and chicks who want to be seen. I wouldn’t have been comfortable going out alone to a place like that. Some people can do it, but not me. I feel like you need to be with friends at the kind of place where it’s packed shoulder to shoulder and you have to yell to the bartender for them to hear your order. Those places are only fun if you’re with a group of friends. At my current level, the social boundaries are too high at that kind of place. I’m sure that is just social conditioning, but that’s how I see it.

Reply From a Reader

In response to the post “At the Bar,” a reader sent in this advice for going out alone:

The secret to going out alone is to befriend and talk to the bartender first. When I used to go solo to the bar, that’s what I’d do. Or just sit at the bar and drink and talk to the people who sat around me. The think about talking to the bartenders is that they give you great “ins” for meeting the people around the bar without directly talking to them. You just interject into bar conversations and you wind up making some new friends and meeting some people. As you get more familiar with the people who frequent the bar, then you are never really out “alone” anymore (i.e. your initial discomfort for being there alone fades away) because now you are familiar.

Also recognize that it may take going to a few different bars before you find the one you are comfortable with. When I was going solo, I always liked Pubs…places you can go and watch sports on the TVs and drink or play pool if you wanted. Always a great way to meet new people.

Eventually, though, you need to find a handful of people you can go out with on a regular basis (if you don’t already have that). That makes the whole experience a whole lot better and you have some support for helping you meet new people.

At The Bar

Last week I went to the bar for open mic night in the middle of downtown. Dress pants, shirt – I look good, meet up with some friends there. I’m relaxing with my friends, playing Chess with my buddy and I keep glancing at these girls and eventually they come hang out behind me. A friend’s friend that came with him opened because he knew her and what not. Come to find out she wasn’t really interested in him anyway, he was persistent enough that I didn’t want to interject but wasn’t rude to her. The time that I did spend with her alone, I showed her my magic trick which wow’ed her(It always amazes people) and she said she could beat me Chess(Yeah I’m obviously not bringing that to a bar if I’m trying to win someone over) – I basically snap my finger but the sound that comes from it is thundering and reverberates.(Trust me you’d be like “WTF, that’s cool” if you saw me do it and people look silly trying to copycat me) They leave because it’s getting late and the girl that I wanted to go for seemed glued to her and she was being polite.

Here’s another thing, when I’m in public I always introduce myself as “Kevin” because for some reason people have trouble pronouncing my real name. Stupid so I use the excuse that it’s my “English” name. Which my friend also was mocking me for saying that granted he was drunk.

Here’s the catch – I’m Anaphylactic to alcohol no debate I’ve tried all sorts of alcoholic beverages.

Yes, making out with a girl who’s been drinking effects me.
I sip on a Roy Rogers all night

Tonight, I go with two friends. One of whom has no problem being confident and snagging girls up. My other friend is a little on the heavy end and I find him creepy looking but my other friend and I said we’d work together to get friend No. 2 laid. Ends up nagging me most of the night and complaining of how I’m not doing work for him. I also wore my wolf hat which I got tons of compliments from girls, who occasionally tugged on me to tell me how awesome it was. I won’t next time and then I didn’t initiate conversation with two separate girls who kept looking my way – sorry I’m new to this, I’ll adjust to gestures and body language soon enough

Halloween reference – that girl I tried to save from jail with sword in hand was there, she stared at me as I passed by her to go get quarters from the machine for the pool table. I didn’t look at her or make any gesture because she didn’t respond well to my message.(IE no interest based on her responses/review from OT lol) but maybe next time I’ll make an effort to be friendly – I should’ve said something

I’ll be going to the bar alone Friday, Saturday to test the waters solo. Then I’ll pick my wingman to go with if that doesn’t go well, girls seem to go to bars in pairs or more anyway.

Conclusion from these nights, I think I’m going to go to the bar alone that way I don’t have to deal with the hassle of my friends. I can enjoy the music, game on TV and if I want to have a conversation – I’ll initiate. When my friends are egging me on to making forced moves, it’s just out of my comfort zone and quite annoying. I’m comfortable enough with “Kino” or w/e and girls will certainly be okay with me having my hands on their back and swaying them a bit. Whispering in their eye is easy, I guess. Crazy one liners, I’m going to approach them with a quaint conversation and maybe some level of forwardness until I’m comfortable being suave with the opposite sex.

Excuse my lack of structure/grammar, I’ll fix it up when it’s not 4:AM