Reply From Another Reader

377793_dude

Apparently “At the Bar” was a popular topic.  Another person sent in some advice for going out alone:

Something that didn’t get mentioned is the importance of social momentum when going out alone.

I spent many nights going out alone not really doing anything, just sitting there are the bar drinking my beer. I may have been too in my head to do anything, or maybe too pussy to go talk to a hot chick for the reasons mentioned above, but I would still view the night as a success. Why? Because I went out alone. That’s hard to do. Look how many people won’t even do it.

Social momentum is huge. You know how I always talk about vibes? If you’re out with friends but you’re not in the best mood, your friends can still kind of pull you through. You can get good energy from them. But if you’re out alone, it’s all on you. If you’re in a bad headspace, you’re not going to give off the right vibes. So with the social momentum, you can start really small. Talk to the bartender. Cheers the guy next to you. Talk to a dude. Dudes can be easier to open than women. You’re not trying to bang them, you’re just being social. The more people you talk to, the more social momentum you get, and the easier each interaction for that night becomes. I personally can’t usually jump into full social mode, so I have to start small and then each interaction becomes bigger and easier.

I also found that, as I got more comfortable going out alone, going out with friends got much easier. So like, on an anxiety scale of 1-10 where 1 is totally calm and 10 is freaking out, when I first started, going out alone was like a 6 or 7 (at a small bar that I was familiar with), and going out with my friends was a 4 or 5. As I became more comfortable going out alone, it became a 3 or 4, and going out with friends was like a 2. If you can go out alone, there aren’t many other situations that are going to be harder than that.

When I was going out alone, I would always go to the same bar. Why? It was small, I could usually get a seat at the bar, they had a huge beer selection, and it wasn’t usually crowded. I could literally go and have a good time by myself even if I didn’t talk to anyone.

Depending on how the night went, I would either finish up the night there, or begin my night there and head somewhere else.

Sometimes I’d meet friends there, or invite my friends there, and then I felt even more comfortable cuz it was “my place,” you know?

This was kind of an underground place. Not crowded, definitely not a sports bar, the music wasn’t super loud, it wasn’t packed full of bros and chicks who want to be seen. I wouldn’t have been comfortable going out alone to a place like that. Some people can do it, but not me. I feel like you need to be with friends at the kind of place where it’s packed shoulder to shoulder and you have to yell to the bartender for them to hear your order. Those places are only fun if you’re with a group of friends. At my current level, the social boundaries are too high at that kind of place. I’m sure that is just social conditioning, but that’s how I see it.